This is really the third part of a set, I just want to expand it out some.
I wrote in my last two blogs about Robin Williams and depression. This time I want to talk a little bit more about our reactions to things.
Obviously I want to reference the blogs of the last two days but I also want to talk about other events.
I saw a post on Facebook the day after Everyone went off about Williams’ Death that was titled “Well this changes everything.” The point to it was the widow of Williams stated that he had recently been diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease. My first thought was “No this changes NOTHING! He is still dead, he did so by his own hand and society is still filled with a bunch of knee jerk reactionaries who feel they are somehow better than anyone else.”
The only difference is that these people are more prepared to cut Williams a little slack. But the points that I made in my first (and second) blog on this subject still stand. If anything they are even more valid.
Moving on
Another recent event that has the country up in arms are the events in Ferguson. There is rioting and finger pointing and all kinds of issues there.
But most of them are based on preconception and people jumping to conclusions.
We need to learn, as a society AND as individuals, that what we believe does not make the whole truth. We need to get the facts and ALL the facts before we jump to a conclusion. We need to stop trying to divide like certain people do and start finding the truth.
This applies to anything and everything out there. Whether it is the suicide of a celebrity or political maneuvers or any other events going on.
So that is what I am calling for today. Learn the facts learn the truth. In cases where there are differences of opinion realize what is backed by fact and what are truly just opinions.
Stop treating opinion like it is fact! And get off the bandwagon Make up your own mind and do not let other’s choices draw you.
August 22, 2014
August 21, 2014
Understanding depression part 2
Please bear with me, I want to sum up my last post before I get started on this one…
To those who suffer from depression and heard from unfeeling jerks about how you should lead your life…
I am sorry that you had to face people who would disregard others like that.
I support you and I feel for what you are going through.
Now for all of you who want to say things like "get past it."
People, you are not the one suffering and you do not know what those people are going through,
Even if you have been through something “similar” you are a different person with different pain thresholds and tolerances so even if you have "been there" you do NOT know what THIS person is experiencing.
Stop making the situation worse! accept that this person is suffering, offer support and be there.
Stop judging! Do NOT say things like get over it because a major component of a lot of depression(s) is the fact that the person in it canNOT just get over it and to say they should adds to an already unbearable burden.
Love these people, care for them, give them a shoulder to cry on.
Most of all, if you feel the need to tell them to get over it or they are being cowardly or selfish... then the best advice I can give is SHUT UP! Do not say ANYTHING and just be there.
Now on to an expansion. I got to thinking about the last post after I typed it and all and then I thought of something else which I wanted to share. There are people who say a suicidal person is selfish and I started questioning that supposition.
See here is the thing. The depressed person is going through his or her own personal hell. That is not rhetoric by the way. They are suffering great amounts of mental anguish and pain. Sometimes beyond anything that anyone else can even imagine.
There is nothing you can compare that pain to. Nothing else steps up so extremely in life. Trying to compare the pain of ANYTHING else to suicidal depression is like trying to compare a light breeze caressing your face to an F5 Tornado.
So, when you say someone is being selfish for being suicidal, who is really the selfish one?
Why do people say this is a selfish thing? Because they are made to be unhappy when the depressed person commits suicide?
Because they are uncomfortable talking with these people?
Look if that is your reasoning, that they are being selfish because you or someone else might be slightly discomfited then maybe you ought to readjust your concept of selfishness because I would contend that YOU are the one who is really being selfish.
Yes that’s right. I see it as MORE selfish to demand that someone remain in their own personal hell just so you can feel better to be the real selfishness. You insist they give up any sense of relief so you don’t have to feel a little bad. Aw you poor whiny thing.
So my advice for you, before you point your fingers at who is selfish, look in the mirror. Then shut up, suck it up and go be there for the person who is hurting.
August 20, 2014
Trying to understand depression
I think there is no one in this world who does not know about robin Williams’ death. I wonder how many have thought about the reactions of so many people.
I will not name names but I have seen some reactions that appall me. I read a blog where the author concluded that Williams was being selfish, one famous actor stated the same thing, another famous person stated that he was a coward.
Newspaper articles also berated him for his actions and said how awful it was that he should be so selfish or whatever.
I have to tell you that I was offended at that. I have known many people who suffered from depression. True clinical depression. And the thing that I find common to all of them is that unless you, Unless WE, have been there we ought not to jump to conclusions about their motivation.
When someone is going through depression there is little reason involved. At least there is little that we might be able to identify as reason.
Let me try to explain some of the thoughts of a person who is depressed. Here are some of the things that I have heard and seen in people exhibiting these signs.
“The world would be better off without me.”
“I am so weak.”
“I am useless or worthless.”
“No one wants me or needs me.”
“I am a miserable horrible person. It would be better if I had never been born.”
“The world is a worse place because I am here.”
“I make people around me miserable I ought to just not be here.”
“Life is so hard, I do not know how I am going to cope.”
“Everything is getting worse.”
“No one loves me.”
I said earlier that there was little reason involved but in reality there is a kind of reason, it just is skewed. Sadly society feeds that reasoning. Some of it is self-fulfilling. The person who is depressed has little control over the paths of their thoughts. They will see people around them stressed or upset because of the depression and so the thought that they are making these people unhappy is validated. Then because the depression is uncontrollable, the person suffering will reason that the only solution is to remove the problem, since the problem is themselves they will reason the only real solution is suicide.
Another form of reasoning might be, “I am to focused on myself and I cannot stop, so the only solution is to stop ME. People who say a depressed and suicidal person is selfish feeds this and makes things worse because they validate the opinion of the depressed person.
The person who is thinking that he is weak would likewise see validation in the statement of how he is being a coward.
The things we tend to say, in other words, feeds the depression and makes it worse. The only real good solution is to get them professional help. Sadly many depressives will not seek help because they are afraid of the stigma that goes with psychiatric care. Or they are afraid of losing things that they enjoy in their lives. If someone likes to target shoot and only feels better when he is doing that is afraid that a diagnosis of depression will cause him to lose his gun/s.
The sufferer who likes to let off steam through extreme sports is worried that she will be locked away because people want to “protect” her.
And they are right, at least to an extent.
What we need is to reach out to these people help then support them and get them treated. NOT take away all their rights or deny them the things that make them happy.
Yes keep them from hurting themselves. BUT do not go so far overboard that the situation is worse. After all is it so bad letting the guy have a gun or the girl participate in extreme sports, if that keeps them from becoming a danger to themselves?
While taking the guns away may inspire the guy to hang himself or keeping her from her sports may cause her to overdose on pills. How is that better?
I guess what I want to take away from here is, do not judge people for their depression. You do not know where they are or what they are feeling. They may be stronger than you think, you do not know because you are not in their shoes.
I will not name names but I have seen some reactions that appall me. I read a blog where the author concluded that Williams was being selfish, one famous actor stated the same thing, another famous person stated that he was a coward.
Newspaper articles also berated him for his actions and said how awful it was that he should be so selfish or whatever.
I have to tell you that I was offended at that. I have known many people who suffered from depression. True clinical depression. And the thing that I find common to all of them is that unless you, Unless WE, have been there we ought not to jump to conclusions about their motivation.
When someone is going through depression there is little reason involved. At least there is little that we might be able to identify as reason.
Let me try to explain some of the thoughts of a person who is depressed. Here are some of the things that I have heard and seen in people exhibiting these signs.
“The world would be better off without me.”
“I am so weak.”
“I am useless or worthless.”
“No one wants me or needs me.”
“I am a miserable horrible person. It would be better if I had never been born.”
“The world is a worse place because I am here.”
“I make people around me miserable I ought to just not be here.”
“Life is so hard, I do not know how I am going to cope.”
“Everything is getting worse.”
“No one loves me.”
I said earlier that there was little reason involved but in reality there is a kind of reason, it just is skewed. Sadly society feeds that reasoning. Some of it is self-fulfilling. The person who is depressed has little control over the paths of their thoughts. They will see people around them stressed or upset because of the depression and so the thought that they are making these people unhappy is validated. Then because the depression is uncontrollable, the person suffering will reason that the only solution is to remove the problem, since the problem is themselves they will reason the only real solution is suicide.
Another form of reasoning might be, “I am to focused on myself and I cannot stop, so the only solution is to stop ME. People who say a depressed and suicidal person is selfish feeds this and makes things worse because they validate the opinion of the depressed person.
The person who is thinking that he is weak would likewise see validation in the statement of how he is being a coward.
The things we tend to say, in other words, feeds the depression and makes it worse. The only real good solution is to get them professional help. Sadly many depressives will not seek help because they are afraid of the stigma that goes with psychiatric care. Or they are afraid of losing things that they enjoy in their lives. If someone likes to target shoot and only feels better when he is doing that is afraid that a diagnosis of depression will cause him to lose his gun/s.
The sufferer who likes to let off steam through extreme sports is worried that she will be locked away because people want to “protect” her.
And they are right, at least to an extent.
What we need is to reach out to these people help then support them and get them treated. NOT take away all their rights or deny them the things that make them happy.
Yes keep them from hurting themselves. BUT do not go so far overboard that the situation is worse. After all is it so bad letting the guy have a gun or the girl participate in extreme sports, if that keeps them from becoming a danger to themselves?
While taking the guns away may inspire the guy to hang himself or keeping her from her sports may cause her to overdose on pills. How is that better?
I guess what I want to take away from here is, do not judge people for their depression. You do not know where they are or what they are feeling. They may be stronger than you think, you do not know because you are not in their shoes.
April 27, 2014
A goodbye to my Mom
“Your mom has cancer!”
These are devastating words to hear. And these were the words I heard over the phone just about a month ago.
The doctors didn’t give her very long either. Two weeks was what I heard. They found cancer in her lungs, Breast, Bone and Brain.
They started treatment and she was upbeat and she told me that she was “looking forward to watching Gabriel (My one year old son) dance at his wedding.”
She was determined to fight this thing. But as the treatments went on they proved to be too taxing, too grueling for her to continue and she made the choice to stop treatment.
I am devastated once again. I feel as if my heart is shattering into little tiny pieces which no one can put back together again. It hurts more than I can express.
But,
I want to tell you about my mom.
She wasn’t perfect.
No she wasn’t but she was human. And she taught me what it is like to be human.
She wasn’t rich. We never had a lot of money but she did help me to see all the things we did have.
She wasn’t famous. To be honest there are a lot of people who are going to be totally unmoved at her passing.
BUT she was famous to me. She was MOM and if there is any name in the world that is more famous than that one I dare you to tell me what it is.
She made her mistakes, and I loved her! Sometimes because of those very mistakes!
As I said before, She was Human. She loved, she hurt. Much the same as all of us. And through that process she taught me how to go on even when those things happen to us.
It was my mom who loved me unconditionally. She taught me to love the things she loved, Animals, Reading, Theatre, Music… I love these things. She taught me how to.
There is a special bond between a mother and her child. I will miss that bond! I will miss the chance to call her and ask for her help in making sense of life, I will miss the times when I could call to tell her about the newest thing my kids are doing , I will miss the times I would call her to cry over a hurt or heartbreak.
When I was growing up sometimes it seemed as if all we ever had was each other. But we were able to persevere because we knew that whatever else happened, whatever else we faced we DID have each other. We knew there was always someone else standing in our corner and backing us up.
I will miss that.
She did her best to raise me, and she thought, as do I, that she did a pretty good job of that.
I am lucky that I found a wife as wonderful as she is. I will probably be able to go on because if that.
Sure she made mistakes, we all do. But she also did A lot right!
I still love her and she will always have a special place in my heart and in the hearts of her grandchildren.
What I think I am most thankful for right now is that she accepted Jesus Christ as her Lord and Savior, which means I can see her again someday. And when that day comes I want to run into her arms and tell her how much I love her and give her a great big “Bear Hug”. Like I always used to do.
I love you MOM. And I will miss you.
Love Steve.
These are devastating words to hear. And these were the words I heard over the phone just about a month ago.
The doctors didn’t give her very long either. Two weeks was what I heard. They found cancer in her lungs, Breast, Bone and Brain.
They started treatment and she was upbeat and she told me that she was “looking forward to watching Gabriel (My one year old son) dance at his wedding.”
She was determined to fight this thing. But as the treatments went on they proved to be too taxing, too grueling for her to continue and she made the choice to stop treatment.
I am devastated once again. I feel as if my heart is shattering into little tiny pieces which no one can put back together again. It hurts more than I can express.
But,
I want to tell you about my mom.
She wasn’t perfect.
No she wasn’t but she was human. And she taught me what it is like to be human.
She wasn’t rich. We never had a lot of money but she did help me to see all the things we did have.
She wasn’t famous. To be honest there are a lot of people who are going to be totally unmoved at her passing.
BUT she was famous to me. She was MOM and if there is any name in the world that is more famous than that one I dare you to tell me what it is.
She made her mistakes, and I loved her! Sometimes because of those very mistakes!
As I said before, She was Human. She loved, she hurt. Much the same as all of us. And through that process she taught me how to go on even when those things happen to us.
It was my mom who loved me unconditionally. She taught me to love the things she loved, Animals, Reading, Theatre, Music… I love these things. She taught me how to.
There is a special bond between a mother and her child. I will miss that bond! I will miss the chance to call her and ask for her help in making sense of life, I will miss the times when I could call to tell her about the newest thing my kids are doing , I will miss the times I would call her to cry over a hurt or heartbreak.
When I was growing up sometimes it seemed as if all we ever had was each other. But we were able to persevere because we knew that whatever else happened, whatever else we faced we DID have each other. We knew there was always someone else standing in our corner and backing us up.
I will miss that.
She did her best to raise me, and she thought, as do I, that she did a pretty good job of that.
I am lucky that I found a wife as wonderful as she is. I will probably be able to go on because if that.
Sure she made mistakes, we all do. But she also did A lot right!
I still love her and she will always have a special place in my heart and in the hearts of her grandchildren.
What I think I am most thankful for right now is that she accepted Jesus Christ as her Lord and Savior, which means I can see her again someday. And when that day comes I want to run into her arms and tell her how much I love her and give her a great big “Bear Hug”. Like I always used to do.
I love you MOM. And I will miss you.
Love Steve.
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